Nothing to Say

Aku terbangun menunggu pagi, menanti sedikit cahaya menerangi. Seperti biasa, tak ada yang berbeda. Kau masih di sampingku saat itu, begitu setia, tanpa mengeluh menemaniku, selalu membantu setiap aku butuh. Begitu pun dirinya, slalu ada, tak pernah jauh darimu, dariku. 

Tak pernah sekali pun terlintas di benakku untuk meninggalkanmu, walau ku tahu tubuhmu sudah mulai rapuh, tak sekuat dulu. Walau terlalu banyak godaan untuk mencari yang baru, tapi aku, tetap padamu. 

Kau tahu, meski sering ku tak acuhkanmu, bukan berarti ku tak pedulikanmu. Aku, diriku, hatiku hanya untukmu. Tapi kenapa kau pergi? tak menemaniku sampai nanti. Kau pergi tak sendiri, kau pergi bersama dia, juga dirinya.

Kau, dia, dan dirinya, tak ada yang berbeda, begitu sama. Sama setia, sama indah, sama-sama ku cinta. Tak ada iri, tak ada benci. Hanya sedikit rasa sedih karena kini aku, kau, dia, dan dirinya tak lagi bersama. Selamat tinggal, selamat jalan. Kenangan-kenangan indah kita takkan pernah terlupa. 

*written for them, my best companions (Elviolet, SEpurple, SEblack), whom have gone at shocking friday morning. baek-baek ya di sana..^_^

Aku 'masih' Perempuan

Aku perempuan.,

Parasku paras perampuan,

tak ada kumis, tak ada jenggot,  parasku masih cantik, meski sering ku coba merubahnya menjadi tampan

Tubuhku tubuh perempuan,

tak ada dada bidang, tak ada pundak lebar, tubuhku gemulai dengan payudara dan pinggul lebih besar

Tanganku tangan perempuan,

Tak berotot kuat, berkulit  halus, berjari lentik lembut khas perempuan

Kaki, kulit, hati, dan perasaanku perempuan

Suaraku suara perempuan

Tubuhku tubuh perempuan

Aku, diriku terbungkus dalam bingkai berwujud perempuan

Meski lebih senang ku menggunakan peci, lebih tertarik bermain bola daripada boneka. Lebih suka memakai kemeja daripada gaun berendah. Tapi aku 'masih' perempuan. Sampai nanti, sampai mati, aku tetap perempuan.

Sesunyian Malam

Kau tahu kenapa malam begitu gelap?

Karena jika terang, apa guna bulan dan bintang, ah.

Kau tahu kenapa malam begitu sunyi?

Malam tak selalu sunyi, hanya keheningan yang berpura-pura

Kau dengar itu, jeritan-jeritan mimpi buruk para tuna wisma

Di sini, apa kau mendengarnya? rintihan-rintihan kering anak manusia

Di atas sana, mengudara desahan para petinggi tua

Nyanyian-nyanyian sendu dunia nyata, bukan fatamorgana

Tidakkah kau mendengarnya?

Malam tak pernah sunyi, tak pernah sepi

Tak ada hening, yang ada hanya bising

Bising suara yang tak slalu tersuarakan,

Tak pernah terhiraukan,

Hanya bisa dirasakan, jika kau mengindahkan

Pained

Shit!! Why should I be their daughter? Why not another? Why should I live in a family like that? No, it’s not a family. It’s a hell. Why should I have parents like them? Why me? Why not Lusy, Tya, or Bella? Why couldn’t I be like them? To be like Lusy who is always spoiled by her parents and gets everything she asked. To be like Tia who is always given love and affections by their parents. To be like Bella who gets freedom but still always in her dad and mom’s attention. Why me, God? Why?

I drive my Ferrari as fast as possible, without any direction. I don’t know where I have to go. An old man curses me because I brush his bicycle, but I don’t care. I increase my speed again and again. I’m lucky because the street is quiet, otherwise I may be dead. Death, it may be better than living with full of finance without anyone cares. Dad, mom, they all are just the same. They go early morning and go home when the cock is crowing. Not only that, they always quarrel all time around the house, makes me not feeling home. Have they ever thought about me? About their only daughter who always miss their love and affection.

I have just arrived in the town square. I don’t know why I’m here. I move my car to the left side and leave it there. I go out to whiff the fresh air, walking to the long desk under the tree. May be  by sitting there I can feel calm. But I’m still confused, nausated. I angry. I hate them very much, I hate my mom, my dad. I can feel my tears in my eyelid, but I cannot cry. No, I’m forbidden to cry. I take a deep breath then try to be calm.

It’s 7.45 in the morning. I look around,  in my left side I see a group of people wearing yellow, they sweep and clean the park with joking, laughing. They laugh, while I’m pained and it’s so poignant. In front of me, a women looks busy preparing her trade. I know that she works for her family, for her daughter who is sittinng next to her. And  I aware, my dad and mom also work for their family, for me, their only child. But it’s not what I want. They let me full of  finance, neglect me without any love and affection. I see many beggars around me, with their miserable face and old faded dress they ask coin to everyone across. I really see the opposite of my life. Without any asking and order my parents will give me much of Dollar in my bill. But I don’t need that, I just need my parent love and attention. Should I beg  to get them? Oh God, I ought to thank you. But should I thank because living in a family which I like to call it a hell?

A woman, looks like a young mother, comes to me. Her blue dress is very tidy. She brings an elegant black bag in her hand, and I see a small box there, it’s like a birthday present. The women sits next to me and invite me to chat. She is a mother, she wants to go to her son school to give him a present because her son get the best grad in his class. A very shorth chatting, but I don’t know why, I feel so pained. Maybe because I’m jealous with her son, certainly. I never get a present from my parent like him, altough I’ve ever get the best grad in my school, because they don’t know that, they never care me. What a hell with them. Will they care me? When? They only care about finance. That’s what I know.

I look at a restaurant, not far in front of me. A black Bugatti comes in parking area. I guess I know that car. A man wearing a coat comes out, I see gray hairs in his head. He turns around, then opens the left dor. He takes a beautiful women with him. I’m stressed and really shocked. The woman next to me is aware what I feel. She tells me that the woman I’m looking at is a whore or prostitute who likes to date with old men. That’s a common thing she said. She also tells me not to be shocked. But I don’t care what the woman said. I don’t care who the woman I see is. I don’t care whether she is a whore or prostitute, I don’t care. And I’ll never care about that. What I think and makes me shocked is that man. The man who wears a coat and has gray hairs on his head is someone I casually call him ‘dad’. Yes, he is my dad, and I’m really sad, shocked. And once more, I’m pained.

Betina Kucing (part 1)

Beberapa minggu lalu saya mendapati kucing betina di rumah saya sedang hamil besar, entah itu kehamilan yang ke berapa. Mungkin yang pertama kali, sebab seingat saya beberapa bulan sebelumnya kucing tersebut masih remaja.

Untuk ukuran kucing betina, dia tidak terlalu cantik. Dia memiliki bulu bewarna campuran hijau tua, coklat dan hitam, kalo' orang jawa bilang wulu krawu. Parasnya biasa saja, tidak jauh beda dengan kucing-kucing lainnya. (saya tidak terlalu mengerti tentang kecantikan kucing, tidak seperti teman saya yang bisa menilai atau membandingkan kecantikan kucing dengan manusia, bahkan menurut teman saya itu ada kucing yang parasnya mirip Wulan Guritno atau Luna Maya. Ada-ada saja).

(kembali ke kucing). Kebiasaan dia yang paling melekat di benak saya adalah dia selalu mengeong setiap kali mendengar suara denting piring, sendok, atau suara lainnya dari ruang makan. Ngeongannya yang manja membuat saya selalu menyisihkan sisa lauk serta nasi untuk dia makan. Dengan senang dia akan melahapnya.

Tapi malam tadi sedikit berbeda. Dia hanya memandangi piring plastik berisi nasi dan lauk yang saya sodorkan kepadanya. Tumben, pikir saya. Jangan-jangan dia mau melahirkan. Saya berkesimpulan demikian karena beberapa hari terakhir dia juga bertingkah yang aneh pula, lebih manja dari biasanya. Dia lebih sering menggosok-gosokkan tubuhnya di kaki siapa pun yang berdiri di dekatnya, mencari perhatian, mungkin berharap ada yang mau mengelusnya. Malam itu saya tidak terlalu memperdulikan, toh kalau nanti dia lapar, dia pasti makan.

Menjelang pagi saya mendengar ngeongan bayi-bayi kucing dari samping rumah. Perkiraan saya benar, rupanya dia telah melahirkan anak-anaknya. Di sebuah kardus, di atas papan kayu, di sana saya dapati tiga ekor bayi kucing tergeletak bersama segumpal tipis serupa daging berwarna merah, yang mulai didatangi semut. Itu ari-arinya.  Si kucing betina tak tampak di sana. Entah kemana dia pergi, sedang mencari makan barang kali. Tapi sepertinya tidak mungkin, karena biasanya jika dia lapar, dia akan mengeong di depan pintu dapur saya. Yang jelas dia telah meninggalkan anak-anaknya di tempat yang kurang nyaman menurut saya. Apalagi di sana terdapat ari-ari yang semakin lama mengundang semakin banyak semut. Bisa saja semut-semut itu juga akan mengerubungi bayi-bayinya.

Setahu saya, seekor kucing yang telah melahirkan, dia akan menyingkirkan ari-ari yang keluar bersama anak-anaknya, biasanya dengan cara dimakan. Tapi kucing betina ini tidak melakukannya. Mungkin ini pertama kalinya dia melahirkan. Jadi belum tahu atau belum berpengalaman. Ini kucing, kucing betina, bukan sapi, kambing , apalagi anjing. Lo' manusia mungkin ceritanya bakal beda. Sekali lagi ini kucing, kucing betina di rumah saya. Masih banyak cerita tentang betina-betina lainnya.

CERITA SESAAT*

(Translated from Ernest Hemingway’s a very short story)

Suatu petang yang panas di Padua, mereka membawa lelaki itu naik ke atap membuatnya melihat seluruh puncak kota. Burung-burung cerobong asap tampak di angkasa.  Sesaat kemudian hari beranjak gelap dan sorot-sorot lampu pun mulai bermunculan. Beberapa dari mereka turun mengambil botol. Lelaki itu dan Luz bisa mendengar mereka di bawah, di sebuah balkon. Luz duduk di atas tempat tidur. Ia tampak sejuk dan segar di malam yang gerah.

Luz tinggal untuk bertugas malam selama tiga bulan. Mereka senang  Luz disana. Ketika mereka mengoperasi lelaki itu, Luz lah yang menyiapkan meja operasi untuknya; dan mereka pun bersenda gurau tentang teman atau suntikan. Lelaki itu mulai tak sadarkan diri, memegangi dirinya sendiri kuat-kuat, hingga tak sepata katapun keluar dari mulutnya selama pembicaraan yang konyol itu. Setelah lelaki itu menggunakan kruk, biasanya ia akan langsung mengukur suhunya, jadi Luz tak perlu repot-repot beranjak dari tempat tidur. Hanya ada sedikit pasien disana, dan mereka semua tahu itu. Mereka menyukai Luz. Selama berjalan kembali menyusuri lorong-lorong, lelaki itu memikirkan Luz di tempat tidurnya.

Sebelum lelaki itu kembali ke sektor, mereka berdua pergi ke Duamo dan berdoa. Redup dan tenang, beberapa orang juga berdoa disana. Mereka ingin menikah, tapi tak ada cukup waktu untuk menikah resmi di gereja, akte kelahiran pun mereka tak punya. Mereka merasa seolah-olah telah menikah, mereka ingin semua orang tahu itu, dan untuk mewujudkannya mereka berdua tidak akan menyerah.

Luz menulis banyak surat yang tak pernah lelaki itu terima sampai genjatan senjata  usai. Lima belas surat datang ke sektor secara bersamaan, lelaki itu mengurutkannya sesuai tanggal lalu membaca semuanya saat itu juga. Semua bercerita tentang rumah sakit, tentang betapa besar Luz mencintainya, tentang bagaimana mungkin sejauh ini berlangsung tanpa dirinya, dan betapa sakit saat merindukannya di malam hari.

Setelah genjatan senjata, mereka setuju lelaki itu pulang untuk mencari pekerjaan dan selanjutnya mungkin menikah. Luz tidak akan pulang sampai lelaki itu mendapat pekerjaan yang bagus, dan datang ke New York untuk menemuinya. Semua tahu, lelaki itu takkan mabuk, tak ingin menemui teman-temannya atau siapapun di Amerika. Hanya untuk mencari pekerjaan lalu menikah. Di kereta dari Padua ke Milan mereka berselisih tentang ketidaksediaan Luz untuk sekalian pulang. Ketika mereka harus berpisah di stasiun Milan, mereka berciuman yang tentunya tidak diakhiri dengan pertengkaran. Lelaki itu merasa sangat sakit berpisah seperti itu.

Lelaki itu pergi ke Amerika menggunakan kapal dari Genoa. Luz kembali ke Pordonone untuk membuka rumah sakit. Saat itu suasana sepi dan hujan, ada batalion arditi yang bermarkas di kota itu. Tinggal di kota hujan yang becek membuat mayor batalion itu bercinta dengan Luz, dan Luz tak pernah kenal orang italia sebelumnya. Pada akhirnya ia menulis surat ke Amerika dan mengatakan bahwa cinta mereka hanyalah cinta monyet. Luz meminta maaf, ia tahu lelaki itu mungkin takkan mengerti, tapi Luz yakin suatu saat nanti ia akan memaafkan Luz dan berterima kasih padanya, dan Luz berharap, tanpa diduga-duga sama sekali, ia akan menikah di musim semi. Luz selalu mencintai lelaki itu, tapi sekarang ia sadar bahwa cinta mereka hanyalah cinta monyet. Ia berharap lelaki itu akan mendapat pekerjaan yang hebat, dan ia sangat percaya itu. Luz tahu bahwa inilah yang terbaik.

Mayor itu tidak menikahi Luz di musim semi, atapun musim-musim lainnya. Luz juga tak pernah mendapat balasan atas suratnya ke Chicago. Tak lama setelah lelaki itu tertular gonoria (penyakit kencing nana) dari seorang pramuniaga di putaran swalayan saat naik taxi melewati Lincoln Park.

*Tugas matkul Advanced Translation jaman dulu-dulu...:)

The Girl Who I knew well

The window was open when I came and got closer. But I heard no sound, nobody inside I guess.  I just kept standing in the doorstep, waiting. I was trying to call someone, but I didn’t know who I should call. I was still standing, trying to knock the door, again I heard no one.

I decided to come in, although I never knew what kind of place it was. I did not know whether it’s a house, or just a room. But it looked neither like a house nor a room. I just often saw it, there, in my dream.

I opened the door, walked alone into the room. There were many things I knew well. That pictures which hang on the dirty wall, the soft sofa bed which I always laying down, and the floor, yes that was the glossy green floor which I often lay my clothes there.

I never came here. I just knew it well. It was the place which I always saw in my dream. The dream that I always met the girl who could make me feeling high, as high as a flying cloud in the sky. There, on the lilywhite bed, she always sat looking at me. Telling me how wonderful story hidden on the pictures which she put in her classic picture frames. She sometimes came close to me, whispering me something funny. I guess I like her so much, but I didn’t know who she was. Perhaps she was the girl who was fated to accompany me, or was she the girl that I would met in my future?  Or was she my girl on the past?. I never knew, and could not remember.

I walked around the room, looking for her and something that could make me find her. I was in a total confusion. And I need her smile I guess, her smooth hand touch caressing me warmly. But where was she? I didn’t see her, I could not find. It had been a long time, I didn’t see her in my dream, again. I was glad to be here, wishing that she would see me smiling blissfully because I would see her lucent eyes. And it was not a dream. I could feel that it was so real. I could touch the door, the window, the sofa. I could step on the floor. I could smell the scent. I could feel it.

I had looked for her in the room, but I didn’t find. Where were you, baby? I missed you so bad, and I did need you much. I was trying to find her out side. I went out from the room. Maybe I could find her there, I thought. I knew I never saw her outside the room in my dream. I was just trying to find. I would keep finding, or just waiting till she came.

I walked again. I saw my way home, there, in front of me. But I still wanted to be here, waiting the girl. I walked again and again. And I trod something slippery. Then I fell. My head collided with a hard thing, and it was so sick. I closed my eyes, felt it.

I was surprised, when I opened my eyes I was in my own home, my own room. I was sitting in front of my cup board, holding my sick head. Oh shit, I thought it was a real, Apparently it’s still a dream. And I felt I lose her.

I saw something I knew well next to my feet. A picture frame with a picture inside. It had just fell from the top of the cup board. I took it. I saw her in the picture. And it was really really her. She was so beautiful, sitting on a chair which I knew too. She sat with a smiling little boy. And I knew him too. That’s me, the young me. I knew. It was the picture that my father always wanted to give me before he passed away. He said that was my picture and my mom who I never knew where she was since I was so young. I always promised to my dad that I would find her.

I knew her, I missed. I promised to find her, bringing her back to my hug. For me and for my father there.

                                                                                                              

Malang, june 2012